I had a spiritual teacher once who I admired immensely.
For years, everything she personally said to me was like a gift from heaven, a spear of love, the perfect words for the moment. Her words to me, even simple words, would light me up like a Christmas tree.
At one point, I signed up to take a ten day retreat with her in Sedona. Starting with the first night she was Yery rough with me. Ignoring me, not giving my anything I wanted. Being so loving with everyone, but acting as if I did not exist. This was not an easy ten days to say the least.
Years later, I went up to her at a book signing, and asked her if she remembered how she was with me at the intensive. She replied with a beaming face: "Of course I do, honey". I then asked her why she was that way with me. She said, very matter of factly: "Oh, honey, whatever it takes to crack you open".
I am still pondering what she meant by that.
Today, I got more of a sense of that. After being on a roll for quite awhile now, today was very uncharacteristic of that. It was a long day of accumulating challenges. Everything that could go wrong did. I was even given an out-of-the-blue lecture about how my smile was not genuine by a very judgmental stranger at Whole Foods.
Around 7 PM, something quite amazing happened. I was suddenly in touch with a depth of feeling I have now experienced for a long time. As someone who likes looking like "I have it together", I did not have it together at all. I shed the first uncontrollable tears I have shed since my Mom's death in February. I was wild, strong emotions were surging in every direction. Rage. Anger. Grief. I saw all these events in my life that I have been minimizing. I felt this roar growing louder and louder in my being.
I was cracked open.
I had the thought: Perhaps all those bizarre events of the day were there to create the necessary pressure to have this important and timely opening.
I do not necessarily know that the universe works this way and, at the same time, I find this to be an intriguing possibility.
I saw, again, how breakdown can create breakthrough. "Whatever it takes" as my teacher-friend said.
Can suffering, even in its ugly messiness, actually be part of the efficiency of the cosmos?
Whatever it takes...
We have already arrived. Yes! Welcome home to this here and now! This place is a place for Living who we are, and Living what we know. The words that show up here are not just pointers to something, they are the joyful expression of life on a roll living its arrival. Let yourself strut out on stage in the comments section. You are invited to let life Live through you here. Enjoy!
About Me
- Bruce Terrell
- I see my expertise to be not so much about this subject or that subject, but more the navigation of the space from which all this arises. I am a student of what it takes to shift and surf, as Love, with great nimbleness and agility, through a diverse range of viewpoints and assemblage points. I am a explorer of the space which births everything and the space into which everything dies, of the dance between the infinite and the finite. As part of this, I am a ghost buster of sorts. I enjoy venturing into the dark haunted rooms of the planetary psyche, my own and others, and shining around the flashlight of awareness. I love finding old unexamined beliefs and memes there and shinning my flashlight new possibility there. Once seen these neurological ghosts loose their power. They turn back into light. Each time one is seen and busted, Living Our Arrival becomes more and more of an ecstatic flow.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
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2 comments:
What a powerful post! Boy, when you put yourself out there, you really put yourself out there! Such a bold, public statement of such a private matter. Awfully courageous of you, I'd say.
Who was that spiritual-teacher you refered to?
And yes, I'd say suffering IS part of the efficiency of the cosmos. That's the idea that David Reynolds was getting at in that paragraph I sent you that you took such issue with. I think suffering, properly approached, does serve us. It can crack us open pretty good.
Thanks Tom,
It is actually easy for me to make public statements about the intricate details of my life. As I see it, I am just sharing part of Our experience, the collective experience.
I like being transparent, being see-able. It is easier than trying to hide or hold up an image.
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